You Will Win Tonight
I’m going to the Padres game tonight, and I really want a win. The Padres have lost their last two games to the Rockies. Last night, they put up a fight, but it wasn’t enough. I don’t want my boys to be playing like they have been for the rest of the season. And so, I am going to have to take desperate measures to make sure my boys win at least tonight, and hopefully a lot in this second half.
When I went to the fair a few weeks ago, I got to see a hypnotist show. It was fascinating. The hypnotist dude had all these people on stage and he did very strange things to them that made them do very strange and funny things. So I thought, hey, if a hypnotist can make a girl think she’s Lady Gaga, he can certainly make a group of guys think they’re a baseball team.
So I called, yep you guessed it, Bob the Hypnotist.
BOB: You are getting veeeerrrry sleeeeeepppy. Use your eyes to follow the watch.
BOB: Good. You willl pitch veeeerrry well tonight.
KEVIN: I will pitch very well tonight.
BOB: You will throw strikes, go at least seven innings, and not give up any runs.
KEVIN: Yesss. Yesss.
BOB: You will not make the fans disappointed in you, especially Kaybee, Hyun Young, Kylie, and Jen.
KEVIN: Nooooo, wouldn’t want to do that. They might say something mean about me in their blogs.
BOB: But most importantly, you will help your team to get a win.
KEVIN (eyes lighting up): W, W, W, W, W, W!!!
BOB: Yeah, I think you’ve got it. Next!
Kevin walks out of the room, slightly dazed, muttering, “A win, a win, throw strikes, winning…”
Next up is Adrian Gonzalez, who has not been hitting very well lately.
ADRIAN: Oh yes, I am terribly tired. I’ve played in every single game this season, you know. Even the WBC and the Home Run Derby and the All-Star Game!!
BOB: Er, just relax Adrian. Now, you will hit a home run tonight.
ADRIAN (yawning): I will hit a home run tonight.
BOB: You will not leave runners on base.
BOB: Adrian, wake up!!
ADRIAN: I’m sorry, could I go take a nap? I’ve only got a few hours before the game and I want to play my best for Kaybee, Hyun Young, Kylie, and Jen.
BOB: Sure, Adrian. Sweet dreams.
Next is David Eckstein.
BOB: You are getting veeeerrry sleeeeepppy. You will heal from your injury ASAP!!
ECK: I’mmmm tryyying.
BOB: You will sign at least one autograph for Hyun Young before the game today.
ECK: Ah, yes, my biggest fan!
BOB: And you must come off the DL soon!!
ECK: Working on it.
Kevin Kouzmanoff was next.
KOUZ: Play very well…
BOB: You will make spectacular defensive plays and do all you can to help the team win.
KOUZ: I love winning.
BOB: You will be very nice to Kaybee and all her friends.
KOUZ: Oh yes…
BOB: And you must strike photo-worthy poses all night at third base. Kaybee will be taking a lot of pictures of you.
KOUZ: Does my hair look OK?
BOB: It looks fine. Now remember, winning is the key. You have to win tonight. You must!
Then Bob gathered the whole team together and gave them one simple request:
“You will win tonight’s game.”
Let’s hope that worked
Anyways, as I’m sure you know, I am going to the game today thanks to Hyun Young, who bought me a very good ticket. We’re going to have a great time cheering for our Padres together, and I can’t wait!! It’s all I can think about, and I know we’re going to have a blast.
Kevin Correia is going to be pitching against Jason Hammel. I think Correia is going to have a great game, and now that he’s been hypnotised to a winning theme, he’s definitely going to pitch very, very well.