Well, boys, you didn’t support Jake like you needed to last night, so this calls for drastic measures.

A lot of people, especially teenagers, can’t imagine life without a cell phone. We use them to talk to our friends and co-workers, we can text, and these days, we can have internet access on our phones.

Of course, the main purpose of a phone is to be able to talk to people wherever they are. But with all the fancy extras on our phones, they quickly become addicting.

If you’re a baseball player earning millions a year, I’d bet that you have a really great phone. After all, you need to keep in contact with your families when you’re on the road, and plus, you’re rich. You have a really nice phone just because you can.

Now, boys, you’ve lost four games in a row. I think it’s time for some restrictions. Your cell phones, please.

Yep, iPhones, too.

And of course, your Blackberries.

In the bucket, please. Thank you.

Yes, even you Kouz-who-wouldn’t-care-if-your-phone-got-ran-over. Sorry, I know you’re extremely cute, but you’re in a slump too.

Now, this is an especially cruel punishment since you guys are on the road right now. You want to call your family? There’s a phonebooth right over there.

You’ll have to take turns, though. 10 minutes each.

Now boys, I know it will be hard to not be able to talk to your family and be distracted by your phones, but right now you need to get out to the batting cages and work, work, work. You only got five hits yesterday. Two runs in support of Jake. I expect much better from you guys.

Especially Brian, Kouz, and Cheadley. You guys are spending at least five hours in the cage today. I don’t care that you’re in Chicago. You can go sightseeing next time that you come around here. Right now, we need to get your bats going, and we need to get winning.

While the guys are batting like they never have before, let’s take the pitchers out on the field and teach them how to pitch. Jake, you did your duty last night. You can go get a massage on that arm.

But the rest of you, especially the bullpen guys, are in big trouble. Let’s see…Edwin Moreno, you gave up a run yesterday, right? Thought so. Let’s work on you first.

First of all, Ed, the point of pitching is to get strikes. You’ve never heard of that? Oh boy. It’s going to be a long day. Well, how ’bout you, Cla? You know, when you come into a situation where runners are already on base, you’re not supposed to let them score. It’s a game, you see? Try to keep the runners from scoring.

Aw, nevermind, you’re really bad at that game.

Oh, hello, Chase, done with your batting already? OK, how ’bout you go play with the ivy out there?

Now that we’ve learned how to throw strikes, boys…oh, you didn’t quite get it, Duaner? That’s OK, I don’t think you’ll be hanging around here much longer anyways.

Where was I? Ah yes, let’s go back to the clubhouse and talk about the evils of the sand uniforms. Hello, Jake, done with your massage? Good, maybe you would like to say a few words about the horrible games you’ve gone through with the sand uniforms. Don’t forget that you got your fifth loss last night because of them!

Oh, hi, Brian and Kouz, you guys look exhausted! No, Brian, you cannot call your mommy. They just set up batting practice on the field for you!

Well, boys, you played a bad game last night. Besides Adrian’s two-run homer, you guys didn’t give any runs to poor Jake. You just handed your ace his fifth loss of the season. He should have at least five wins by now, but because of you guys, he only has two.

You really need to pick it up, boys. The fans are getting upset, and they might leave. All you’re doing is proving that you’re the horrible team that everyone predicted you would be. You’re headed straight to the cellar, and all you’d be doing is proving people right. We want you to prove them wrong. Show the fans, show San Diego that you can play hard and that you can win. If we don’t live together, we’re going to die alone.

You aren’t working as a team here. It’s like the hitters, the starters, the bullpen, and the defense are all different parts. You’re not working together. One guy will get a hit. One guy will give up a bunch of runs. If you don’t live together, you’re going to die alone.

So, after all that BP, I expect you guys to go out there tonight, score a lot of runs, hit when it matters, and get a win. Chris Young has been giving us superb outings, he can hold the Cubs down while you get some runs.

Come on boys, it only has to be a few hours without your phones. If you get the win tonight, you’ll get your phone back as you’re walking into the clubhouse. But you gotta get that win first 🙂

GO PADRES!!

(and yes, I am very excited about the season finale of LOST tonight!!)

(photo credits: padres.com, kottke.org, allcheapmobiephones.com, billmill.org, thelachers.com, tufttubs.com, flickr.com)